If you’re looking to become an adoptive parent in the UK, you may have some concerns or questions about whether or not your child will remain in contact with any members of their birth family. We’re here to put your mind at ease on the subject of contact with birth family, and explain will why keeping in touch with birth family may be beneficial for your child’s happiness, sense of self and development.
The difference between open and closed adoptions
Historically, it was common for children in the UK to have closed adoptions. In this increasingly uncommon style of adoption, a child receives no form of contact with their birth family. In modern times, studies show us that outcomes for adopted children are better when they are aware of their adoptive status. Studies also show that for many children, keeping up some form of contact with members of their birth family can be beneficial when it is safe and in their best interests to do so. Read on to learn more about how contact with birth family can benefit adopted children.
Why is contact with my child’s birth family important?
When it is safe to do so, keeping in contact with your child’s birth family can benefit everyone involved. Contact can be either in person or indirect, such as through phone calls or letters. Let’s take a look at just a few of the benefits of keeping in touch with birth family.
Your child. Knowing about their history will be hugely important for your adopted child, helping them to make sense of the world around them and their place in it. This is known as Life Story work, and will support your child in developing their sense of self and their identity.
Their siblings. Sibling groups, particularly those with more than two children, are often split up during the adoption process. Keeping in contact lessens the impact of the loss these children experience. Because of this, it is very common for sibling contact to be included in your child’s adoption order. While many adoptive parents may choose indirect methods to keep in touch with the adults in their child’s birth family, many who have taken the time to understand the impact of sibling separation embrace face-to-face visits.
Your child’s birth family. Adult relatives in your child’s life, such as their biological parents and grandparents, can often struggle emotionally during adoption. Keeping some form of contact can help to ease the feelings of separation and guilt which they may experience. For most biological parents of adopted children, this contact will be through the Letterbox platform, which allows biological and adoptive parents to send letters and pictures back and forth.
You and your partner. By working to ensure that your child has an age-appropriate understanding of their life so far and their family history, you are fulfilling one of the most important roles of a parent: prioritising their needs above your own. Many adoptive parents feel concerned about keeping in contact with their child’s biological relatives, but supporting your child in this way will help strengthen your attachment and ensure that they have a strong sense of their own identity. Below we’ll hear from mum Carmel about her own experiences in this area.
Sophie’s Story
Sophie, who found her family through Adopters for Adoption, has shared with us her own story of keeping in contact with her son’s biological siblings, and dealing with the sometimes challenging emotions which come with keeping in touch with her son’s birth family.
“I’d advise potential adopters to remember that it’s not really about you as a person; it’s all about your child. You have to work on removing your own insecurities and really being child-centred. The child you’re adopting is way more important than your own feelings. You have to embrace everything that comes with the child. You’re adopting more than just them as a person; you’re adopting your adopting their entire history, their future, their whole.”
Sophie believes it’s really important to nurture the relationship between her son and his siblings. She said:
“Our son has siblings who we make a real effort to make sure we keep in contact with, and it’s just so important. It means that all of the children experience less loss in their lives. They’ve gone through enough as it is, and by maintaining the relationships that they do have, we can help ensure that they have a strong sense of their identity. If our son gets older and decides that he doesn’t want to see his birth family anymore, that’s his choice. We’ll support him, whatever he chooses.”
Can I choose if my child stays in contact with their birth family?
In each child’s case, careful consideration will be made to whether or not it is in their best interests to remain in contact with members of their birth family. We encourage our adopters to think about contact between siblings, especially if they have grown up together, as sibling relationships can be hugely beneficial for children, as we’ve explored above.
That being said, we will always support our adopters to be honest about what they feel is best for their family, and encourage you to speak up if you feel strongly on this matter. We’ll also be on hand to support you where needed in maintaining birth family contact.
Understanding your child’s birth family can be a complicated and sometimes challenging aspect of adoption. We’ve put together some resources below to help you learn more and better understand why contact can be beneficial for your child and their biological relatives.
- ‘The Missing Piece: Messages for Adoptive Parents from Birth Parents,’ a free documentary by the charity PAC-UK.
- The Contact after Adoption study, carried out over 18 years, an excellent and easy-to-read resource for adoptive parents.
- This heart-warming story of three triplets who were reunited through contact between their biological and adoptive families, and whose lives have been changed for the better as a result. The sisters also run a podcast together where they discuss their journey of reunification, along with other topics.
Are you ready to start your adoption journey?
If you’re looking to adopt a child in the UK, we here at Adopters for Adoption would love to help you and your family. Our non-for-profit organisation was founded by adopters, so you’ll know you’re in the safe hands of a team who understand the ins-and-outs of the adoption journey.
Enquire with us today to learn more about how you can foster in the UK, or attend one of our upcoming virtual information events.
