Holly* and her husband Andy* adopted their three children, who are biological siblings, over 7 years ago. The couple, both doctors by trade, came to adoption later in life, and have experienced the unique challenges and rewards of adopting a sibling group. Holly said:
“My husband and I were both working as doctors when we first started thinking about growing our family. We met lots of families where there were safeguarding issues involved, and we knew that there was a real need for more people to step up and help. We began volunteering as mentors for children whose families were struggling, but I knew I was ready for more.”
“I’d recently lost my father, and there was a real gap in our lives left by his passing. We wanted our family life to feel vibrant and lively again. I felt that I was ready to have children, and after some time, Andy and I decided that adoption was right for us. We really did our research and chose to go through Adopters for Adoption rather than our Local Authority because of the ongoing support offered.”
Family bonds
Family is everything to Holly and Andy, and their own family played a huge part in their adoption journey.
“My step son, Jack*, was a huge part of our decision to adopt,” Holly said. “We sat down with him and said, we’re thinking about adopting, but if you’re absolutely against it, we’ll respect that. Jack was wonderful and so mature; in fact, he said that he’d always secretly wanted a sibling. He’s been amazing with the kids ever since.”
Holly’s wider family network were also a huge support during the adoption process and beyond. One special memory she looks back on is when her sister organised a surprise baby shower for her, once it was decided that the couple would adopt three siblings.
“The baby shower was really special, as that’s something a lot of families miss out on when they adopt. Andy and I were actually really quite shocked when we saw just how many children were looking to be adopted on Link Maker, the platform which is used for adoption matches. When we were approved as adopters, it was initially for one child, but when we saw our three siblings their profile just stood out to us. We were later informed that the children were likely going to be split up because of their ages, with the eldest two being placed into institutional care. We were determined to bring them home and stop them from being separated.”
Starting a new life together
When the siblings first moved into the family home, it was a big adjustment for Holly and Andy— and for the children, too, all of whom were under ten at the time and adjusting to a whole new life. Holly said:
“It was a huge change at first; to go from having no experience as a parent on the Friday before the children arrived, to being a mother of three by the weekend! The children had all experienced different kinds of trauma, and each have their own individual needs. They were all very afraid of being abandoned in the beginning, and would follow me everywhere like ducklings, worried that I might leave them if I were out of sight.”
“The children also really struggled to trust Andy and I for a long time. They didn’t want to be apart from us, but they were afraid of all adults at the same time, so it was very difficult for them. It’s heart-breaking how many years it took for them to feel safe in trusting us properly. I used to say to them, ‘It’s ok. You don’t have to trust me right now. I’m going to prove myself to you every day and every month and every year, until you can trust that I’m not going to let you down.’ Eventually we were able to build a beautiful bond of trust.”
Conquering challenging emotions
The road to feeling safe and secure was not an easy journey for the siblings. Holly is very empathetic towards her children, and she’s open about her own emotions in terms of how challenging it can be to support your children as they live with the effects of trauma. She said:
“A lot of people expect adopted children to be grateful and happy that they’re safe with their new family. You have to imagine yourself in their shoes. Most children who are adopted will have experienced some kind of trauma, and traumatised children won’t always respond to things in ways we expect. If they’ve learned not to trust adults, that doesn’t just magically go away once they’re in a safe family environment.”
“That being said, it can be really hard as a parent. Sometimes it can feel really personal when the kids are struggling to trust you or when behavioural problems arise. As their parent you’re thinking about them every second, you’ve changed your whole life for them, and that’s not always going to be rewarded in the early years. I’ve shed many tears over the years, believing that I’m doing everything right, but it’s just not working. You really can lose faith at times. But while there’s an awful lot of time to be invested before you see progress, progress will come. It’s the hardest thing to keep going, but you keep at it anyway, because you love your children and you know that your best is what they deserve.”
Finding your tribe
When dealing with difficult emotions while parenting, Holly has found the support of her loved ones and the friends she’s made through Adopters for Adoption to be a lifeline. She said:
“One thing that’s been a massive help to me is finding a local group of other adoptive parents who I really click with. It took some time for me to find my tribe, but I met an amazing group of people at Adopters for Adoption’s therapeutic parenting course. I was weighing up whether or not to go to the course when I got the invite due to the time commitment, but it was so worth it and had a huge benefit. Completing the course has given me friendships which will last me a lifetime.”
“We share a WhatsApp group and because we’re all local, I can reach out and see who’s free to meet up for a coffee when things are getting challenging. It’s a fantastic chance for all of us parents to offload and get things off our chest with friends who understand the ins and outs of raising children who have experienced trauma. It can also help you to see the positives in challenging situations and give you a fresh perspective.”
Thriving as a family
Most of Holly’s children are in their early teens now and making amazing progress. One especially wonderful thing for the children is that they are in contact with their older biological half-sister, who reached out to her siblings through the Letterbox service.
“The children’s big sister couldn’t be more brilliant. It’s been amazing for all of them to be back in touch with one another again. She’s a fantastic role model who’s currently training to be a nurse and has her own place. Being back in touch with the kids who she loves so much was the final missing piece to her puzzle. The children love sharing things with their sister, and she’s always reaching out to check up on them and wish them a good day at school. She’s a really positive force in their lives.”
Begin the journey
When asked how she would describe the realities of adoption to other potential adoptive parents, Holly said:
“I would never say that adopting is easy— it’s like a roller coaster. There are the deepest lows and the highest highs. You have to be ready for how difficult it can be at times, so that you can ride out the bumpy moments. All your effort really pays off when you see your children achieve something new. You’ll be their biggest supporter, jumping up and down with joy because you know how much work it’s taken for them to heal and succeed. When they have their victories, there’s nothing like it. It’s just brilliant.”
*names have been changed to protect the privacy of the family.
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