Tom and Sophie, who adopted their son through AFA, sat down with us and discuss the highs, lows, and incredible moments they have experienced together as a family through their adoption journey.
“We were ready to start a family,” says Tom. “The default, of course, is to try for a baby and have a biological child. But the more we thought about it, the more we realised that path wasn’t necessary for us to have a family. We went along to an adoption information evening, which proved to us that adoption was the right choice for our family.”
“Everyone’s adoption journey is different, and we’d planned to take a couple of months to get our ducks in a row before welcoming our new member of the family, but AFA reached out to us to let us know about a little boy who they thought would be an amazing fit for our family. The rest is history.’
Things were not all roses and sunshine in the early days of Tom & Sophie’s adoption story. When they first brought their son home, they were met with an unexpected challenge. Tom said:
“The first couple of weeks are a whirlwind. Our little one latched on to Sophie instantly and formed a really strong attachment with her, which was amazing. We’d planned for everything to be 50/50, but it became quite evident quite early on that our son just didn’t want anything to do with me. He just didn’t like men. It got to the point where Sophie couldn’t leave the room without him crying. He wouldn’t be without her, but he just wouldn’t be with me.”
“Seeing the strong bond our son had formed with Sophie made me feel excluded from the family dynamic. You do lots of reading on trauma and attachment while you prepare to adopt, but when it actually comes to the reality of what you’re dealing with, it’s very different. You paint a picture of what parenting will be like in your head, and our son just wasn’t ready for that kind of bond at that time.”
“My childhood wasn’t great, and so one of the really big things for me adopting was that I really wanted to be involved. I felt like our little one just wouldn’t let me be that person for him. I felt guilty because I knew that I was the adult in the situation, and he had had his whole world turned upside down multiple times. He wasn’t consciously choosing to push me away; he was just doing what he needed to do to make himself feel safe.”
Things were equally difficult for Sophie, too, as she struggled to find balance within the home.
“It was especially hard through lockdown,” she said. “It was very isolating and I found it quite suffocating. Because our son would only be with me, I felt like I couldn’t get a break. Tom felt awful that I couldn’t have any time to myself.”
A few months into their new life without seeing any progress, the couple reached out to AFA for support. Sophie said:
“The advice AFA they gave us was really helpful. We learned that what we were experiencing was something called blocked parenting. We were told that it could take a few months for things to get better, or even a few years, but that things would begin to get better with perseverance and compassionate care. It took a full year for us to see real progress, so we learned to celebrate the little wins.”
Tom shared with us one small moment which felt like a breakthrough. He said:
“One moment I can really remember is the first time our son let me carry him in a baby carrier. Usually he would scream and get upset if I tried to pick him up, but one day he was just like, ‘fine!’. It would have been a small thing to some, but moments like those made me immensely happy. Over time, more of those things started happening.”
Seeing their son develop a strong bond with his dad were incredibly rewarding. Sophie says:
“I’m so proud of Tom for persevering, even though it was really difficult. It took 3 years for us to get to this place where we feel like we’ve really made it now. At times it felt like nothing was getting better, and we almost couldn’t see a way to get from A to B. But we persevered, and it worked. Tom is our son’s favourite now!”
“Adopting a child has been the most rewarding thing we’ve ever done, beyond anything else. Our story is completely different from every other person’s journey that we know. It’s not easy, but it’s not all doom and gloom. There are so many positives. Seeing our little one grow is amazing. He’s done really well. The transformation into little boy he is now compared to who he was when he came into our family is just incredible. He’s so confident, so outgoing. We cannot imagine our life without our little boy.”
How AFA will support you during your adoption journey
Tom and Sophie’s heartwarming story highlights the emotional highs and lows of each individual adoption journey and reminds all of us of the transformative power of reaching out for help when we need some extra support.
When you choose AFA to support you through your journey to welcoming a new member of your family, you’ll benefit from a holistic range of support services, both pre and post-adoption, including:
- Regular social work support until after the adoption order is made
- Annual social events with other families who have been through the adoption process, as well as access to our bi-monthly adoption support groups
- Formal training on a range of topics which will support your family’s growth, including forming attachments and Life Story work to help your child understand their identity
- Access to the Adoption Support Fund as well as one year’s free membership to the support services offered by Adoption UK
Interested in hearing more real-life stories of adoption like Tom and Sophie’s? Check out our heart-warming collection of adoption stories.
Ready to take your first steps towards your new life?
If you’re ready to learn more about adoption, we’d love to see you at our next online information session, where you’ll have all of your questions answered by a member of our professional team. You can also contact us today on 0800 5877 791— we can’t wait to help you get started on this life-changing journey.
